Seriously? I Submitted A Fake Fart Paper
My undercover experiment with a paper mill. Plus the April foolery in vegan protein news.
I have a confession to make:
I submitted a fake paper for publication. And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that you’ll approve of it (hopefully).
Before we go there, I have to inform you that I’m incredibly intelligent and versatile. I’m a crackerjack in rheumatology and arthritis, vaccines, urology and nephrology, physical medicine and rehabilitation, and, most importantly, surgery.
That’s the impression you’d get from peeking into just one week’s worth of incoming invitations to contribute my articles to very appreciative publications.
My wife, who combs through my e-mail with the ruthlessness of a Gestapo officer, routinely eliminates that bunk before it encroaches on my time (we tried to train the spam filter, but a well-trained one catches all legitimate mail, too).
I tried the polite way, telling them to, quote, “Get me off your fucking mailing list!” (I’m not kidding), but the effect is the same as telling my neighbour’s dog to shut-the-f*ck-up.
So, yesterday, I tried a new approach. I submitted my “valuable and worthy stuff” to Sylvia, the friendly Editorial Assistant of the Annals of Case Reports.
I mean, a 4.99 impact factor (IF) at PubMed is nothing to scoff at. Except maybe for the fact that even PubMed doesn’t know about that.
To cut to the chase, Thanks to my crackerjackism, I was able to produce a paper within slightly less than 6 minutes. Two of them I spent on formulating the prompt for a free-of-charge AI assistant, and the remaining four on tweaking its output. The result went to Sylvia. The title of my work:
“Olfactory Impact of Diet-Modulated Anthropogenic Flatus: A Case-Control Study of Bystander Somatic Responses in Confined Environments”
That’s academic speak for (loosely translated)
“Farts Hurt Innocent Bystanders in Inescapably Tight Spaces”
BTW, you can download my paper, complete with faux methods, results, discussion, and references here.
I’d like to draw your kind attention to my co-authors. I always suspected that the names we inherit operate as invisible guides to our fates and fortunes (mine, btw, means “Curly Hair” in German, which, visibly, couldn’t be a better fit). So, as you can see in the above image, I am fortunate to have had a team of collaborators destined for great work in fart science.
Come to think of that: a certain president’s name, when considered in a certain British jargon, might give us a hint at what to expect in his presence. But I digress.
Being German, I foster an intense love and admiration for our annoyingly more cultivated French neighbours, which is why I couldn’t resist giving credit to their venerable institute (FARTs) at the Universitee de Derriere.
Anyway, upon reading my own work with growing admiration, I am now convinced that the Nobel Prize for Medicine is within my grasp.
Sylvia thinks so, too (she has a keen eye for scientific greatness). Within 45 minutes of receiving my submission, she confirmed that my “article has been accepted in the preliminary screening and now it is under review process”. They know a Nobel Prize candidate when they see one.
I’ll keep you informed about the progress of publication. I do hold out the hope that they recognize this paper as a joke, and refrain from offering me its publication (in exchange for a handsome fee, of course).
Now let’s move on to real papers.
Vegan Diets Deliver Enough Protein, Or Not, Or It Doesn’t Matter
For f*ck’s sake, can’t they make up their minds?
No, they can’t, but I think you should. If that doesn’t make sense right now, it will with my next in-depth post on the subject. It will present the current state of knowledge. Through that lens, we will dissect this week’s three fascinatingly contradictory papers, which pretty much say the following:
Vegans don’t get enough protein [1]
Yes, they do, on a carefully designed vegan diet [2]
Forget about careful design, diet doesn’t make a difference, not even for strength athletes [3]
Problem solved, provided we all remain within our favourite echo chamber on the subject.
My slightly biased take on these three papers, and how their contradictions may, surprisingly, resolve for you, will be the subject of my next in-depth post.
Now, before you go: Due to the overwhelming response to last episode’s quiz, here is another…
Quiz
I’d like to challenge you to a knowledge quiz about my previous post on microplastics. So, here it is (click on the image to get to the quiz):
Keep in mind: Scoring zero-to-1 points will serve as your qualifying reference to submit papers to the Annals of Case Reports.
A slightly unsettling discovery
The internet might have gotten it all wrong about my incredible intelligence and versatility. As my wife informs me (remember, the e-mail Gestapo officer, censoring my incoming mail box?), judging by the incoming offers and requests, I am in dire need of hearing aids, stair lifts, and little blue pills.
At the same time, I’m a hot item for brides from Ukraine and Russia, none of them older than 23 (many obviously contacting me via LinkedIn, which is apparently getting into Tinder’s business).
In reality, I can still get up the stairs, have perfect hearing (though an irritatingly selective one, if you trust the Gestapo), and, no, I’m not telling you about the third performance department. These obvious discrepancies have led Gestapo to suggest that the journals’ asscrawlery must not inflate my intellectual and professional ego.
Maybe she should work in the White House instead. I’d give her a glowing reference.
Cited References
[1] Xue B, Soh P, Vignes M, Smith NW, Hurst PR Von. Evaluation of protein intake and protein quality in New Zealand vegans 2025:1–23. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0314889.
[2] Domić J, Pinckaers PJ, Grootswagers P, Siebelink E, Gerdessen JC, van Loon LJ, et al. A Well-Balanced Vegan Diet Does not Compromise Daily Mixed Muscle Protein Synthesis Rates when Compared with an Omnivorous Diet in Active Older Adults: A Randomized Controlled Cross-Over Trial. J Nutr 2025;155:1141–50. doi:10.1016/j.tjnut.2024.12.019.
[3] Askow AT, Barnes TM, Zupancic Z, Deutz MT, Paulussen KJM, McKenna CF, et al. Impact of Vegan Diets on Resistance Exercise-Mediated Myofibrillar Protein Synthesis in Healthy Young Males and Females: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Med Sci Sport Exerc 2025.